Do you remember when you were young and you saw drunk people and said to yourself you would never ever be like that? Well I was one of those kids. Let me tell you a story about my weekend...

Friday night, Mallorie and I get a call from a friend of ours who lives 2 buildings over (we live in an apartment building) asking us if we want to go to a birthday party... the words "free" and "alcohol" jump out at me... I agree, thinking it would be good to get out of the house, and get smashed on someone else's tab.

We show up at the party at about 10:30, after stopping for smokes and some money for later... there are already a few people there... so we started drinking the Alex Keiths beer we brought with us... in about 15 minutes I switch to liquor and have a pina colada.... then after a vodka shot we decide that we are going to the bar....

We clean up the patio and go inside and wait for a couple people to get ready.... during this interval, I have 3 or 4 more vodka shots, and by this time, the effects of the alcohol are starting to take their toll.

We get into the car, and start driving. suddenly I (or the incredible amounts of alcohol I've just consumed) decide to open a beer and have one WHILE WE ARE DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY. (By the way, I'm not driving tonight, thank god. The effects of this would be disastrous.)

We stop at a donut store somewhere downtown and in order for us to use the bathroom that we so desperately require, we have to buy something (this tactic of having to buy something in order to use the bathroom is silly, and should be outlawed, it's practically extortion). At this point, I'm fucked. And I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. I can't see straight, walking up or down a set of stairs requires concentration to a level I'm not familiar with, and I had a conversation with a cab driver about some non-sensical topic while I was waiting to use the filthy 1 person bathroom.

We go upstairs, buy some donuts (which I reluctantly eat b/c I'm trying to find something that's gonna soak up all the booze in my body, and it's a double chocolate glazed donut), and then leave. We drive some more and end up at Red Square, a club downtown on Adelaide I think. We wait 15 minutes for the rest of them to arrive and then go in. I get in fine, however, Adrian (who is ridiculously intoxicated) screwed up, and first showed the bouncer his ID upside down, and then dropped it. Not getting in. Damn.

We walk around the block to Milwaukees, and we all get in there fine. I get my beer and sit down on the couch upstairs. Not 5 minutes later, I get tossed out 4by some bouncer guy b/c he catches me sleeping. Damn.

I go outside and wait for the rest of the gang to find me and sure enough, about 10 minutes later, Mallorie comes out with Nick and they get to take me back inside.

I would like to say that at this point, my stomach is flipping and moving around and I don't feel good at all. I order another beer through Nick, and the second I put my hand around it, I throw up all over Adrian's shoes. Oops. Another bouncer is right behind me. Tossed again. This time, I'm out for good. I sit outside and clear my head and I'm starting to feel a bit better, although stuff is still moving around alot and it's hard to focus on what is around me. Sound doesn't register, and trying to walk off my drunken stupor would be a really bad joke at this point. Besides, sitting on this ledge, staring at my puke covered shoes is just fine with me.

A few minutes later, Adrian threw up, according to Mallorie. We walked quickly to the car and drove somewhere. Somehow, a bottle of water ended up in my hands, although I'm still not clear on where it came from. I take a drink and it actually doesn't sear across my taste buds. Hmmm, tastes good. This is the best tasting thing I've had all night...

All of a sudden, another wave of nausea comes over me, and I shove open the door, hang my face out and throw up ALL OVER THE PLACE. My eyes water quickly because of the shock to my system and because of the horrible taste in my mouth.

We finally get home at 3:30 in the morning, Adrian is still sick, when I stumble out of the car and almost fall down... I get upstairs somehow and take a bath. For the first time, in 7 hours, I eat something. Burnt toast and a hot cup of tea. I pass out from sheer exhaustion and drunkeness sometime after 4:00am.

Never again, will I mix beer and liquor. I swear.